Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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