so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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