I am in a vortex of obligation.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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