I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
