My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
