i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
