the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
