sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
