I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
