sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
