perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
