I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So much rum. So many feels.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
