Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
