giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
