I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
