if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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