ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
