This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
