my phone needs a breathalizer
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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