I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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