So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize