I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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