yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize