when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
