hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize