you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
