I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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