my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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