The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
