you have to choose: penises or morals?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
All the doctor said was why
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
