I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
