I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
