My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
