remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is wine microwaveable?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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