I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
