Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
