i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
