if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
