I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
