I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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