Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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