Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
