look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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