somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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