I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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