you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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