I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Randomize
