Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
