Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
