I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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