he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
