She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
