Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
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