Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I checked into jail on foursquare
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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