the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
