Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize