The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
