Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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