I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
