I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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