I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
