Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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