grandma shit on top of the toilet
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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