I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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