So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
